The Wagon of Choice

I have begun to consciously choose an intention everyday to begin my day. I have been through a few like “choosing not to judge; be with; non-reactive etc”. But, there is one that works specially well with me. It is the choice of self-observant.

When I choose to self-observe, I really try hard to be aware of what is going on within me when I receiving from without. Or how I am  reacting to things that are happening around me and to me. I suppose it is like imagining observing myself as a 3rd person. I remember when I was a younger man, I used to practice a form of self-observant. Back then, it was about being conscious of how I present myself physically to the world. It was all about the external. Now, it is more about what is going on inside my head that prompts my reactions toward what is going on outside. In this space, I get to choose my path of action.

It could be as simple as catching myself judging others or participating on a trail of hot gossip. From here I get to choose if I want to continue on or switch direction. If I decided to continue judging, then I make the conscious decision on doing so but bear in mind that what I think may not be true. There are other truths that I am not accessing yet. Then I realized that this is so damn exhausting that I might as well stop judging and just be with.

A friend of mine wrote me about her daughter’s experience of conscious choosing. Her daughter’s horse was ill and she was very upset about it. Her horse had lumps in its neck, and she called vet, but was fussing about it. Then she said to her daughter, “Well you’ve done everything you can do, so now you have a choice of making yourself miserable or not”. Her daughter thought about it and then smiled.

I am beginning to feel that CHOICES is the mother lode of the cavern of happiness!



This morning, I came across an article on Nick Vujicic in the paper. Nick was born without any limbs I had seen a YouTube video of him a while back and not taken much note of him. I googled him again and found a YouTube video of him on Oprah.

A minute into watching the video, it hit me that I had unconsciously left out the most powerful mantra on my pursue of happiness! The mantra is “I have a CHOICE.” Perhaps, choice is the main driving force behind everything that I did not even think about it. I don’t know if it is what some people call an unconscious competent action. Any way, choice is more powerful when it is acted from a conscious state because I am consciously choosing. NO one makes me unhappy.

As Nick said that life gave him no arms and legs, there is nothing he can do about that. But he can choose what he is going to do without limbs rather than living with “if only I had limbs” state of mind. WOW! That was powerful.

Things happen every day that cause me to stress and worry and be unhappy. Some of these things are beyond my control. So when these things happened, they happened. They are over and gone. In the past. Nothing I can do to undo them. BUT, I have the choice of  what I am going to do with myself.

Murray graduated from grad school and is looking for work. My mind often wanders into “what if he does not get a job?” land. I begin to worry and I feel unhappy. I am choosing to think that the right job has not show up yet. It will be here when the time is right. What matters most is I am with him. We have each other now.

I am HAPPY now. Thank you Nick for that nudge.

Please share your journey and stories of pursue of happiness here.

I fell out of the wagon.

Yesterday, a friend of mine asked why I have not been blogging my journey. My first reaction was,”I have got nothing to say”. That was pretty well the end of that thread.
Ya, o really. I have nothing to say! What do I mean? I have nothing to say to myself.

This morning I jolted out of bed after only sleeping for only 6 hours. I could not get back to sleep. The wild horse in my mind was on steroid. It was galloping madly. My mind was working over time thinking all over the place. It did not feel very peaceful. (I hate to admit right now as I am writing this blog: I am not at peace.) I suddenly realized, “I am worrying!” which means that I am out of touch with happiness for me. I feel out of balance. The inner scale is yo-yoing. I now notice that lately (may be it has been going on for a while), I have been inpatient, complaining about self and others, bitchy, criticizing others; taking interest in gossips that are going on around me etc. Then I realized that “I fell off the wagon!”

I fell of my happiness wagon! I forgot about me. What I mean by that is “I forgot about caring for myself”. Wow! This just hits me as I am writing this blog. This is probably going to take a while ( a few blogs) to process through what I mean by “I forgot to take care of myself.

There is an inner me that knows what I need but the outer me has been so powerful that it does all sort of things to smother the voice of the inner me. My inner self asks for more nurturing of my body and soul (this alone probably will take up a few blogs to un reel) and the outer self goes round and get life moving. I think what I mean is there has been a lot of doing going that I have ignored the needs of my inner self. This is the balance that has gone helter-skelter!

So I jumped out of bed and I said,”I need to meditate”. God only remembers when I fell out of that wagon! I lit an incense stick at my meditation spot (which has gone dusty), sat down and proceed to meditate. Then out of a sudden, I felt YOUNG again. I started to remember all the things that I needed to do that I had forgotten! My mind was throwing things at me to get me off my meditation pad. I had to start to retrain myself to calm this wild mind horse of mine. Back to one step at a time, today I will sit for a few minutes and tomorrow I will sit for a few more minutes etc. Bingo! I realized that I had forgotten about the practices for my inner self. This is the wagon that I fell off.