I fell out of the wagon.

Yesterday, a friend of mine asked why I have not been blogging my journey. My first reaction was,”I have got nothing to say”. That was pretty well the end of that thread.
Ya, o really. I have nothing to say! What do I mean? I have nothing to say to myself.

This morning I jolted out of bed after only sleeping for only 6 hours. I could not get back to sleep. The wild horse in my mind was on steroid. It was galloping madly. My mind was working over time thinking all over the place. It did not feel very peaceful. (I hate to admit right now as I am writing this blog: I am not at peace.) I suddenly realized, “I am worrying!” which means that I am out of touch with happiness for me. I feel out of balance. The inner scale is yo-yoing. I now notice that lately (may be it has been going on for a while), I have been inpatient, complaining about self and others, bitchy, criticizing others; taking interest in gossips that are going on around me etc. Then I realized that “I fell off the wagon!”

I fell of my happiness wagon! I forgot about me. What I mean by that is “I forgot about caring for myself”. Wow! This just hits me as I am writing this blog. This is probably going to take a while ( a few blogs) to process through what I mean by “I forgot to take care of myself.

There is an inner me that knows what I need but the outer me has been so powerful that it does all sort of things to smother the voice of the inner me. My inner self asks for more nurturing of my body and soul (this alone probably will take up a few blogs to un reel) and the outer self goes round and get life moving. I think what I mean is there has been a lot of doing going that I have ignored the needs of my inner self. This is the balance that has gone helter-skelter!

So I jumped out of bed and I said,”I need to meditate”. God only remembers when I fell out of that wagon! I lit an incense stick at my meditation spot (which has gone dusty), sat down and proceed to meditate. Then out of a sudden, I felt YOUNG again. I started to remember all the things that I needed to do that I had forgotten! My mind was throwing things at me to get me off my meditation pad. I had to start to retrain myself to calm this wild mind horse of mine. Back to one step at a time, today I will sit for a few minutes and tomorrow I will sit for a few more minutes etc. Bingo! I realized that I had forgotten about the practices for my inner self. This is the wagon that I fell off.


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