I made an appointment with Rickie for some entertainment. You see, Rickie is a medium who speaks to spirits. I did not know what to expect as I had never consulted with a medium. Secretly, I wished to speak to my dad who passed in 1980. I had something to iron out with him. The session was conducted over Zoom Meeting. It was Jan 2021 and we were still in the midst of the covid pandemic. I was prepped not to reveal or talk about people I wished to contact beforehand.
- “your dad is here.”
- “he said his name is something like koo….too…..choo…..sh….. (his name was Shu).“
- “He was not a very soft man and he used his hands a lot (Rickies smacked the air in front of her with back of her hand.“
- “He liked to have his coffee and chat with his customers.“
- “His business building is more of a square than a rectangle.“
When Rickie connected with my father, she started to describe him and his behaviours. Amazingly, she got 95% of it correctly. And then she said:
- “Your father wants to apologize to you. He did something to you when you were 12 and it was not right. And he wants your forgiveness…….”
My jaw just dropped. Tears were welling up my eyes and I just went BAAAAAA. I lost it. This was exactly what I wanted to sort out with my old man.
It was one sunny afternoon after school and I was 12. I was doing my homework at my dad’s office desk in his store. Dad came in and sat down and called out to me. I went over and sat on his left knee and kissed his left cheek like I always did. And he looked at me seriously and said,”If you ever turned into one of those,” pointing towards a drag queen who just walked past the store, “don’t come home and I won’t want to see you again.”
I kind of knew what dad meant but I did not get the full context of it. I was only 12. I have always been different growing up. I wore my sister’s skirts, my mom’s high heels. I would tie a towel around my waist pretending it was a train when I floated down the stairs. I was already aware that I was attracted to boys/men. I understood later in my life that my dad was talking about being QUEER! But I could not connect the dots then. I had no idea what my dad said to me that afternoon would change how I would live see and treat myself and live my life. That was the day I stopped being authentic to my family. I stopped being my daddy’s boy.
I was sent to Canada for school when I turned 16 and I came out at 18. I was allowed to live and express freely but whenever I visited my family in Brunei, I needed to turn myself off and put on a different outfit. I thought it was not that bad as I only went home to visit once every 2 years. Then my dad passed away in 1980. And I thought I no longer had to deal with this demon. I was wrong. The demon followed me and It grew bigger. It started to encompass other issues that I could not tell people. The inner me and outer me got separated further and further apart from each other.
I worked very hard on being real, being myself. I came out to rest of my family in 2003. There was no armageddon. But the demon lingered on. I found it hard to come out to anyone that knew or connected to my family. I still felt ashamed that I let my father down. It was not about being gay. It was more about about my father’s son is a big SCREAMING FAG.
“I forgive you, dad.”
“Your dad is always around you. He never left you,” continued Rickie,”As a matter of fact, he said you had eggs for breakfast.”
Suddenly, the separation between me and my dad disappeared. I felt a big sense of love flowing out of me towards my dad. This was how I felt about my dad when I was a child. All the resentments I had towards him just vanished. All I feel now is just love and peace for him and I feel him around me and in me. I love you, dad.
renaissance of happiness 